You get the email or the phone call that makes your stomach drop.
It’s the teacher. She starts with praise—your child is “bright,” “sweet,” “creative”—but then comes the pivot. She uses words like “struggles to stay on task,” “has a hard time with transitions,” and “seems to be in his own world.” She gently suggests you might want to consider an assessment for ADHD or other learning differences.
You hang up, completely bewildered.
Because the child she just described is not the child you know. At home, your child can focus for hours on their LEGOs. They follow your instructions (mostly). They are calm, helpful, and engaged. You’re left thinking, Are we even talking about the same kid? The immediate, gut-level reaction is defensiveness and doubt. You don’t see ADHD symptoms at home, so how can this be real?
Let me tell you, as The Empowered Parent, this is one of the most common and confusing situations a parent can face. And the answer is almost always this: You are both right. The teacher is not wrong, and you are not in denial. You are simply seeing the same child in two radically different environments.
Your child isn’t putting on an act. They are coping with different demands, and understanding that difference is the key to getting them the right support.
The Spotlight vs. The Strobe Lights: Why a Child Behaves Differently at School
Imagine your child’s ability to focus is a single spotlight.
At home, that spotlight has one job. It’s a 1:1 environment. You can dim the house lights, turn off the TV, and give a single, clear instruction. You are right there to gently nudge the spotlight back when it drifts.
Now, imagine the classroom. It’s not a spotlight; it’s a concert with strobe lights. There are 25 other kids, a teacher talking, announcements on the loudspeaker, social dynamics shifting, fluorescent lights humming, and a dozen multi-step instructions being given at once. For a child with underlying executive function challenges, this environment is absolute chaos.
The child who struggles in the classroom but not at home isn’t being difficult; they are simply overwhelmed. Here’s why:
- Massive Executive Function Demands: At home, you are your child’s external executive function. You remind them to grab their coat, help them find their shoes, and break down “clean your room” into smaller steps. At school, they are expected to be their own project manager. They have to plan, organize, initiate tasks, and manage their time completely on their own. This is a massive cognitive load.
- Sensory and Social Overload: The sheer noise and movement of a classroom can be incredibly dysregulating. On top of that, navigating the unwritten social rules of 25 peers is infinitely more complex than playing with a sibling you’ve known your whole life.
- The Lack of 1:1 Support: A teacher with a full class simply cannot offer the constant, gentle redirection your child gets from you at home. A simple prompt like, “Okay, honey, time to get out your math book,” is a luxury they don’t have in a group setting.
What is “ADHD Masking”? The Invisible Work That Drains Your Child
Here’s the piece of the puzzle most parents have never heard of: ADHD Masking.
Masking is the exhausting, subconscious effort a child makes to “fit in” and appear neurotypical. They pour every ounce of their energy into sitting still, looking at the teacher, and suppressing their impulses. They are so focused on looking like they are paying attention that they have no mental energy left to actually learn.
This explains the “After-School Collapse.”
Have you ever wondered why your child is an angel all day for the teacher, only to explode into tears or defiance the second they get in the car? That is restraint collapse. They have used up all their coping skills, all their energy, on masking their struggles at school. Home is their safe space, and you are their safe person, so all that pent-up frustration and exhaustion finally comes pouring out. You’re not seeing the struggle at home; you’re seeing the aftermath of the struggle at school.
The Teacher Called. Here’s Your 3-Step Action Plan.
Okay, you understand the “why.” Now, what do you do? When a teacher recommends an ADHD assessment, it’s a call to action, not an accusation.
Step 1: Listen with Curiosity, Not Defensiveness. Thank the teacher for bringing this to your attention. Schedule a follow-up meeting and go in as a detective, not a defendant. Ask clarifying questions:
- “Can you give me a specific example of what you mean by ‘distracted’?”
- “When during the day do you notice this the most? During structured lessons? Unstructured playtime?”
- “How does he/she compare to their peers in these situations?”
- “What strategies have you already tried in the classroom?”
Step 2: View the Assessment as a Tool, Not a Label. The goal of a school evaluation for ADHD or other challenges is not to slap a label on your child. The goal is clarity. It’s a tool to finally understand how your child’s unique brain works. An assessment can reveal processing speed issues, working memory challenges, or, yes, ADHD. It can also rule those things out! Either way, you walk away with information, and information is power.
Step 3: Support a Skill, Not a Symptom. While you explore next steps, you can start supporting your child’s executive functions at home right now. Don’t wait for a diagnosis to provide support.
- Create visual systems. Children with executive function challenges often struggle with tasks they can’t “see.” A visual checklist can be a game-changer. Our printable homework checklists and “Ready for School” routine charts in the Bright Steps Parenting Etsy shop are designed specifically for this, turning multi-step tasks into a simple, visual flow.
It is okay to feel confused or even defensive when you first get that call. But don’t let that initial reaction stop you from getting curious. The teacher holds a critical piece of the puzzle about your child. By putting your piece next to theirs, you can finally see the whole picture and give your amazing child the support they need to shine everywhere, not just at home.
Have you ever had that “two kids” feeling? What was the biggest difference you noticed between school and home? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
With support and understanding,
-The Empowered Parent